You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Randomize
