I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
