So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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