he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
