I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"