my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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