And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
