I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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