remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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