i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
