your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
where are you?
Hypothermia
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
