I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
