The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
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You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
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Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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