like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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