I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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