Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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