Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
