Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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