I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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