And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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