I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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