I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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