why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
