I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
