I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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