I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
