yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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