is your mom at the bar?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
