Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
