i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
