mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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