Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
