I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
