i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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