A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
