I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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