Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
