I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
