my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
