I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
