"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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