Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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