My cat gives me a boner
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
