If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
