I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
