im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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