Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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