You can't special order awesome
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
