Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
