He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize