when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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