So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
