Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
