I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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