True but thats because hes a fetus.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
