I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
