dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
