we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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