I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My life is pants optional.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
