Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
