I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Vodka?
Forever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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